#30 Changing Our Response and Attitudes to Birth Fears

Hellllloooooo Birth Peeps,
I have been away from this blog a long time because I became absorbed in writing, research, teaching, making a new website for bfwnewmexico.com, and recently, travel took me to Ojai Foundation in California for a week. Presently I am in Santa Barbara where Virginia and I will be working together this week.

This week, Virginia and I enjoyed spending time with sixteen wonderful birth mentors who attended the six-day Advanced Mentor Training at the Ojai Foundation in California. These women share various backgrounds in birth work and two common intentions:
1) Personal growth and awareness, and
2) Learning mentoring, visualization, storytelling and teaching skills that will help them prepare mothers/couples for birth in a holistic way.

One of the Threads of this training was about embracing personal and collective birth-related fears and worries, and to examine our own strategies to avoid unwished-for events (in life and) during the childbearing year.  We began "within" by learning how to really hear, tune into and embrace our own fears and powerlessness in labor and life. What better place to take time to reflect than under the 700 year old Teaching Tree!

Then, we slowly built various skills and a framework to be able to truly hear, validate and embrace parents' fears and worries, and strategies--and to lead them in an uplifting visualization that might later prevent them from abandoning or judging themselves for whatever might happen in labor.

If every parent and birth peep learned how to hear, embrace and transform fears, worries, and strategies related to "being in control" during the childbearing year... If they could let go of just one or two things they are holding on tight to avoid. . . Birth really would change--because this process directly balances our neuro-hormonal-physiology!

When new parents are gifted with this process, with this "self-knowledge," before the journey begins, there is no telling how it will change their physiology and ability to relax and open even before labor begins, and continue to open and be resourceful in labor! A fear/worry ignored and denied is still very alive in the nervous system; it needs to be seen, heard, and embraced to be healed.

And when birth peeps gift themselves with this process and self-awareness, no doubt, they would see, hear, and respond differently to parents during the childbearing year.

I cannot go into this complex topic on a short blog tonight. But I might say a little more. The more we--as a birth culture--try to deny parents' their natural doubts and fears, the further we put this part of preparation in the collective unseen underworld; the more parents must try to deny it too, thus denying them support in one of the most important parts of their preparation work. If they feel ashamed to have fear, doubts and worry, they may censor themselves, isolate a part of themselves, try to figure it out by themselves.  Shrouded in self-judgment (e.g., "I shouldn't worry," "I should trust," "What is the matter with me to feel this way?") they may become immobilized, waiting for someone else to explain, protect, assure. . . i.e. the proverbial "frozen in fear" response.

Bringing fear, doubt, and worry into the "light" and creating a new "story" about it ensures a new, although not always predictable response. This is one of the most important tasks of prenatal preparation.

Warmly,
Pam

#29 Meditative, Multi-Cultural Laborinths in Birth Rooms

Greetings Birth Peeps,

This is Thanksgiving weekend (in the US), and for me it was a particularly special, even magical and blessed one. All weekend I’ve wanted to reach out to each of you, Birth Peeps, to share my gratitude with you for our shared work together, even though I don’t know all of you (yet), I know we are drawn together by a shared dream.

Today I want to share a painting I’ve been working on. I began this painting with a goal to finish it in two weeks… because every painting I make seems to take four months. I worked each morning toward that goal. Two weeks later I had gotten no further than an under painting! I continued working. It is now at least two months out and, I am still tweaking!

This painting began with a story my friend and hairdresser, Alberto, told me about his tias (aunties) in Mexico who were parteras (midwives). They used to tell pregnant mothers that they were warriors because in labor they would have to go to the underworld and battle with underworld spirits who held their babies. Each mother alone had go there and battle with the spirits to free her baby and bring it back to this world, to its new family who was waiting for him or her.

Inspired by this birth warrior mythology I began this painting using acryclic paint. There are many symbols in this painting, but I will point out just a few. 

There are two worlds, an upper “natural world” and the labyrinth of birth, the underworld of labor, divided by a gold line. This gold line is how I draw contractions. Typically contractions have been depicted as hills (as shown on a fetal monitor), however, I found in labor that my attention went downward and deep within with each contraction—so I began drawing the contractions as downward dips. In this painting, at the peak of each contraction-dip, the mothers consciousness dips, trickles, pours, into the underworld…. then returns to her resting baseline.

You can see six “spirits” holding babies in Laborland, and a mother swimming out with a baby (top right of the labyrinth’s opening), and the Fire Keeper.

 

Last week I was frustrated because the colors in the labyrinth were flat, dull and dreary. I kept changing the colors over and over, still flat. Then about five nights ago I had a vivid dream that showed me what to do, which colors to use and how to add beads! I jumped out of bed, found my odd collection of beads, then mixed up the colors and went to work… a few hours later… Look, the labyrinth now is vibrant, expressing both the dark and light aspects of journeying in the underworld. I also added four shells and a gold pendant of Mary.

One of my visions of how I might help change birth in our culture is to make a series of beautiful multi-cultural, labyrinth meditation paintings (and eventually prints of those paintings) so that birth rooms everywhere will have LabOrinths for women to gaze upon, to trace with their eyes during contractions to help ease the pain and still the mind.

Perhaps like-minded Artists of the Spirit will join me in this endeavor.

In-Love, In-Gratitude,

and still tweaking this painting…

Pam

Change #29 OCCUPY BIRTH

Dear Birth Peeps,
I have long been a fringe birth activist. I have been wanting to post "Occupy Birth" on this blog, but I don't feel I know enough or can remember all the statistics and arguments to make strong argument s as compelling as the activists we admire.  And, when I study the trends in obstetrics and midwifery, I easily fall prey to my Victim/Judge.  So, I watch from the sidelines and consider the arguments, I read, think, and wait... while I try to cultivate the Huntress/Warrior to carry my arguments and actions forward.

This morning I felt/heard a Call, it came one of our long-distance Birth Story Listening students, Shelley, who wrote a thoughtful post on our forum, and she shared a video with us that I want to pass on to Birth Peeps.

Here's the scoop: "Women are rallying for a December protest at Sharp Mary Birch Hospital in San Diego, which has the highest cesarean rate in the state of California. The larger purpose is to draw attention to the Cesarean epidemic issue/problem in our society. A doula and childbirth educator in the community put together this video clip to inform and inspire people to join in the movement. This video has been posted on FB, and it's going around like crazy."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IiEwAN-AeIo&feature=youtu.be

This video is very well done and really fires you up. The message is simple and clear and a call to action. I would like to stand with the women at this rally in San Diego. I hope some of you will be there, or organize a similar gathering where you live.

I need to gestate my thoughts on hearing and changing the Collective Birth Story... but for now...
I wanted to pass this video on to all of you.

Warmly,
Pam

Change #?: HOLD YOUR APPLAUSE, PLEASE

Dear Birth Peeps,

Several times I have heard of the following group “recognition” observance. It goes something like this. A group has gathered for birth storytelling or a birth movie, and a leader asks everyone who has had a cesarean to stand. The room is silent for a moment. The cesarean mothers sit. Then the moderator asks all the mothers who birthed normally to stand and applause breaks out.

Not wanting to assume I understand the meaning of this curious ritual,  I would like to ask each participant, “Who is observing silence or applauding?,” and “What message are they intending to send to cesarean mothers?” Then, I would ask the cesarean mothers what meaning they took from this?

I imagine the “moment of silence” could be out of respect for a "loss." I imagine that, depending on which Story Gate of Return each mother is in, different meanings might be drawn by each woman; perhaps there is a time having one’s grief and loss of a desired birth witnessed in silence feels just right. But, not every cesarean mother is (still) in grief about her birth experience; some may feel they should be applauded too for having done their best or having survived their Ordeal. I have long ago completed my work with my cesarean birth and no longer carry any grief about it, so if I were standing in that room, the silence would seem to me to be a projection of someone else’s loss or grief, not my own.

And the applause for those who birth naturally, normally, or vaginally… I just don’t get it. If you/they are fortunate to birth normally, I can understand gratitude, but applause?  I could also stand with this group, but "I" do not want or deserve applause for the Gift I was given; the opportunity to birth normally humbled me. I am especially disturbed by the juxtaposition of applauding one group, the Victors?, while asking the other group (?Victims) to stand in silence… should their heads be hung low?

We have a confusing double standard. I am learning about birth in undeveloped, occupied, or oppressed countries. Women may have to wait in agony for hours, begging for relief, drugs, surgery, even death. But help does not always come quickly if it comes at all. Some women do not survive the wait, their Ordeal. If they are “rescued” by visiting western medicine teams, we all sigh a sigh of relief for modern medicine reaching them. They might even be applauded for surviving, however they did it, by their village, by us.

I am confused by my own projections and where I draw a line in the Sand. But, I sit in my confused mind and enquire who is thinking these thoughts? Who wants to grieve? Who wants to applaud? Who is the ‘I’ that decides who should get a moment of silence and who should get applauded?

In-Love,
Pam 

REFUSAL of the CALL

Good Morning Birth Peeps,
This morning I received a thoughtful email from Katherine who was wondering about how "Refusal of the Call" played into Answering our Calls during the childbearing year. The "Refusal of the Call" is an important and necessary part of the hero's journey, it is an inevitable part.

As I have explained, the Call to Love, to Remember Who we are and live our authentic life, is coming all the time. It is not One Call, but a steady stream of Invitations. Most of the time--using the analogy of our phone technology--we have our inner Ear turned off, turned outward to the world, or put on our "Call Waiting." Why is this? Think about it in relation to your own life. What would change, what would it mean about you IF you actually answered the Call from Love to Love in your ordinary life? The Ego and the Judge Voice within begin to chatter and keep you in your former place -- of safety, following some Rule... protecting your boundaries...

At some point, a Call gets through and when it does it excites our passion, it wakes us up. We have a new vision. At first all we can see is what we will "get."

But then when the striving to achieve the goal begins, we realize the price, the work, both inner and in the physical world it may and will take to even strive for the goal.... and it might all be in vain. We might not be able to achieve it anyway...

And then the Voices of Doubt, which is the inner Voice of the Judge whose job it is to keep us in our old place, not take too many risks, stay in line, and avoid failing (again)--begins talking us (the inner Child) down off the high mesa where we actually saw a new possibility. 

And this is the necessary part of the Call, the Refusal of the Call.

I have to return to the archetypal world of characters to explain this, it is how I understand it. It is the inner-Child who first hears the Call, who sees the new vision or remembers her purpose. It is the inner-Child, not the Adult archetype, that actually begins the hero's journey. It is through completing the arduous tasks of the journey that she becomes "more adult." With this in mind, it makes sense that the Child, at first excited when quickened by the Call--suddenly realizes, "Wait a minute! If I answer this Call, I will have to 'leave home,' What if I don't know enough? I am not ready. I need to study more first, get bigger, get a map..." Whatever it is... if the Child begins the journey without it, she may indeed be overcome, unprepared and fail in some way that she senses would be harmful.

So the Child hesitates; she Refuses the Call, at least for now. There is also a bit of the Love Warrior here ... foreseeing or overseeing Tasks of Preparation so this Child-Warrior will have a chance at succeeding.

I don't like to romanticize or over-simplify the real inner-work of the hero's journey. This Refusal is not a cop-out, it is not a failure in itself. This Refusal can be a process that takes a few days or weeks of "reconsidering" while weighing the risks and benefits and making a plan. Sometimes it looks like the would-be hero has fizzled altogether; before the hero can undertake her Vision or what she was born to do, she may need a decade of undoing old agreements or learning new tasks.


But now we return to our topic, Birth as a Hero's Journey. If our imaginary would-be hero is a pregnant woman, she doesn't have a decade to sort it out. She has a Vision, she hears a Call.... and there are mere months to Answer, to Prepare, to make the Descent Into Laborland.... 


This is our Question, Birth Peeps. This is Our Call.
How do we Mentor the initiates who hear a Call, how do we assist them through their Tasks of the Refusal so they don't miss this golden opportunity. Birth is a profound rite of passage, it only comes once or a few times in a life time. We also need to really look into WHY it is a profound rite of passage, and not let ourselves be lulled asleep with the comforting and familiar cliche phrase.


I am enjoying the emails I am receiving from those of you who are writing and living your Heart's Question. Those of you who have taken up the practice of the Heart's Question, or your Deepest Question, will Refuse your Call at least once if not a dozen times today. Good... use your Refusal to examine the Refusal. When you understand your own process of Refusal deeply, you will have the Wisdom and compassion to help the initiates who come your way to understand their own.


In-Love,
In-Love with my own Refusals,
I am,
Pam

Your Call is an Invitation to Awaken the Love Warrior

Dear Birth Peeps,

When we prepare for birth as a hero’s journey, we begin with hearing our Call and answering this Call (whether we are aware of this or not). This Call—to act, to know, to do something you have not done before and that may even seem out of reach!--comes from Love itself; it is an Invitation to love yourself, to become your own Love Warrior. . . a Birth Warrior.

When I say the Call invokes you to act or to “do,” it is not necessarily to “do something” for the sake of achieving, let’s say, your fantasy fabulous birth or any other personal goal (although by Grace our actions may lead--or seem to contribute--to that desired result. This Call is answered from our Soul, not from our ego, not to Get something for ourselves. We are compelled to answer the Call, and in so doing, there is no attachment to outcome, there is no pride, no getting.  

It is about Doing What Needs to Be Done Next—and nothing extra. 

The Calls to Love and to Be and to remember who we are are coming to us all the time. The Call—to Love yourself, to bring your True Love to this moment of your life, to Be authentic—is coming to you as you read this blog, and again, with your next breath! We wee, but busy and important, humans often don’t tune into it because we are distracted in our hectic lives and world.

There are infinite ways to be called; the Invitation might come to you suddenly almost as an inner whisper in an unexpected moment, or in a dream, or one might be awakened by a call in the midst of the Ordeal of labor or while reading an article.

The Call is not about achieving, it is about your heart’s longing. 

Oriah Mountain Dreamer describes her own Call in her book, The Call, as “a long wail of my heart [that] opened to its own longing.” She goes on to say, “Our longing may be just the beginning, just a door into a deeper knowledge of what we are and why we are here, but it is a necessary beginning. We cannot go deeper into our lives or the world [or I interject, into our childbearing year as a hero] until the heart has had its say, until the heart has been heard.”

You have to Hear your Call before you can Answer it, that is, before you can Live the answer. 

Women are often directed to: “listen to your self,” or to “listen to your body.” This advice sounds sage, but! most modern women have never been taught to meditate, contemplate, to listen-in, or how to differentiate the feeling of intuition from the feeling of fear, or their own sense of danger that requires action from everyone else’s imagined fear.

Knowing your Heart’s Question is central to preparing for birth as a hero’s journey.

One way to tune into your Call is to tune into your heart’s longing. If that conditioned part of you says, “You can’t do that because….”, or “So-and-so will get mad if you do that…”, keep listening. . . Is this Voice of Doubt or caution coming from your Love Warrior or your Inner Child that wants to please and avoid getting in trouble or grounded!?

Listen deeply, earnestly, patiently. Feel … find your heart’s longing and intuition… Listen within for that one heartfelt Question that is tucked away. This step awakens your Huntress archetype.

Once you have it, write in on the wall of your heart, or on your bathroom mirror, and say it to yourself often during ordinary moments of every day—Don’t wait until you are meditating, or in a crisis, or in labor to remember your longing, your Question…

Ask yourself your Question during ordinary moments every day. Live the answer. 

Your Heart’s Question is a living question which means you are compelled to live the answer in any given moment—even this moment—not just in labor. There are no wordy, logical answers to this question—you will manifest the answer with your whole being in the way you breathe, walk, talk, and live. Living the answer to your deepest question will form new habits of thinking and responding--and cultivate the Birth Warrior in you.

A few Examples:
What does this moment need?
How am I opening to this moment?
How am I bringing my Love to this moment?
When I speak my truth, what do I say next?


Please, share your Heart's Question, your Living Question, here... to help inspire others. Maybe you have had a life-changing experience by taking up this practice... please inspire others with your story.

Thanks,

Love,
Pam

# 27 FROM INNOCENCE TO GENUINE TRUST: LIVING YOUR HEART’S QUESTION

My Dear Birth Peeps,
I have been away too long, and you have been patient. I thought of you all often, and missed you, and yet, the blogger needed time to reflect, rest, and write new material... but I am happy to be back and to continue our journey together as we compassionately change birth in our culture. We resume...I believe we are on change #27, a two-part entry.

PREGNANT WOMEN ARE CONSTANTLY BEING TOLD what to believe, fear, and do—after all “(acquired) knowledge is power”—and then they are told: “trust yourself!” The new initiate, trying to get it right, is clichéd with mixed messages.

When we have not yet lived a life-changing event, one that we anticipate living in the future (e.g., college, vacations, a wedding, childbirth), we can only idealize, dream, fantasize about the event from a place of innocence and trust. All children have done this. And so has every adult, at the beginning of a life-changing initiation, the initiate must begin in her archetypal Child, a natural place of Innocence and Trust. This is why when a woman is at the beginning of her first childbearing year, she is often in her archetypal Child, a place of Innocence and Trust--and why we must meet her there and listen to what she trusts and doesn't trust before we try to cliche her or lead her our way.

It is also a given that during the Ordeal (e.g., Ordeal refers to a trying event that may occur at any time during pregnancy, labor, or postpartum), she will lose some part of her innocence as the price for Wisdom—and “growing up.” We cannot keep our Cupcake of Innocence and have the Frosting of Wisdom, too! Did this blended metaphor work? You get the idea anyway.

And yet, there are many who do not understand this part of birth as a hero’s journey, who inadvertently encourage mothers to remain in innocence and vague trust. What exactly she should “trust” is up for grabs and will be determined by the one advising it. It might be an order to unconditionally trust her body, or trust in a benevolent Force to protect her, or trust the wisdom of some expert, or even to trust her own intuition—even though (she will soon find out) nobody else will trust or allow her to act upon!

For this reason, this cliché message to “trust” is often, or later becomes, confusing to the initiate.

When an initiate shares her Innocent Trust openly with others, she will invariably encounter one of two responses from: those who share or support her innocence and keep her dreaming sweetly, or from those who will dash or dismiss her innocence and trust in a misguided attempt to prepare her for the moment she loses her innocence. But neither sweet support nor jaded warnings serve to prepare the initiate to meet that moment that awaits her.

There is also the possibility the Seeking-initiate will encounter One Who Knows (i.e., one who has completed the journey, lost her own innocence and gained true wisdom and compassion)—one of YOU birth peeps!!

Or, she might be visiting this blog and take up a process that will help her genuinely prepare to meet the moment she loses her innocence during or after her Ordeal. There are countless ways to prepare the mind, heart, and soul for this moment, here is one:

Let’s lay the groundwork first with a little philosophical groundwork. Let’s think of the natural Innocence and Trust in something not yet lived as a “seed thought.” Within a seed is the full potential for a particular plant, tree, or fruit. But the seed must be watered often, even daily, and protected to allow for its full potential to be realized. Just planting a seed and “trusting it will grow on its own” does not ensure it will grow and later bear the fruit we need to sustain ourselves during the Ordeal.

The daily effort of watering the little “seed” of trust and inner-knowing with intentional practice throughout pregnancy matures and strengthens the gardener, too! The gardener becomes invested in, and “owns,” the plant. This is a very different experience and relationship from giving the gardener a full-grown tree that someone else grew and saying, “Here! Eat this fruit to sustain yourself in your upcoming Ordeal.”

We cannot assume that an initiate “has everything mature and ready within her at the beginning her Preparation or Ordeal. Telling a new mother, “Everything you need to know is already within you,” might misguide her to relax and do nothing during her Preparation Phase, when she should be taking action. Instead, she waits, trusting that this Knowing, this Oak Tree of Knowing, to magically sprout from the ungrounded acorn during the Ordeal. And this why so many mothers are in shock and feel lost, overwhelmed in and after labor.

Becoming pregnant does not automatically ensure a spontaneous awakening of intuition, knowing, and trust. The gestating-mother may have to do a little inner work and practice, take time to reflect, then take small, deliberate steps, even small risks, to try out and integrate her new knowing. Her success is dependent on daily attention to the practice, and often guidance and encouragement from a childbirth mentor or elder.

A NEW MOTHER NEEDS TO DO SOMETHING to water her newly sprouting mother-instincts, mother-voice, and nurture a genuine, deeply rooted, trust in herself and others. In this way we could say her initial pure innocent Child-trust is maturing as her baby grows in her. For her baby to grow she must feed her baby, not just trust her baby will magically grow, she must take action. By taking action, her Trust and Knowing is embodied, it is hers!, it is registered and rooted in her body, so that if and when her Innocence and Trust is shaken in labor, even if she is scared, she will not abandon herself.

In the Garden of Soul Change,
we are growing a new consciousness together!

Pam